Spiritual Crisis

I'm having some trouble.

I want to love my church. There are so many positively beautiful aspects of it that I can't ignore. I love the Saints, I love the Mass, I love the tradition. I love the words of Jesus and the Apostles (most of the time lol). Love it love it love it.

What I don't love? I don't love an inherently patriarchal institution who does not seem willing to help those of its flock who are being hurt by clergy. I don't love that it's affected me personally now, that their need for clergy overrides the spiritual health of myself and my family. It is not fair and it's not right and I don't know how to reconcile. My pastor, I love him. He doesn't know. I've approached it tentatively with him, that I have doubts about scripture and I am struggling with family, but nothing specific. He tells me trust in God, have faith. It's not faith in God I lack. It's in seeing God in the Church that I'm having trouble with.

When I don't go to Mass I feel loss. The idea of not baptizing my youngest child hurts. When I think of the possibility of not raising my children into the faith, attending church, receiving Communion and Confirmation (if they chose to do so) it makes my heart ache. Yet what are my options? We can't afford to attend church in a different parrish. And even if we could, it would be there, in the back of my mind, that this is the institution that protects those who should not be protected and leaves the wounded in the cold.

 I can't fathom going to another religion. I know it seems ridiculous that a rational human being could believe entirely that a human man can be a conduit with which to make bread and wine become Divine. I understand that the idea is entirely laughable. Why do I hang on? I've met many people now who don't believe. That makes sense to me. However, I've also noticed that for many, belief is not something you can "grow", but rather something that is either with you or isn't. Those who don't believe sometimes try, earnestly, but it's no use and they are more fulfilled when they acknowledge it just isn't there. There is of course nothing wrong with that. My beliefs about God (which are, perhaps, not entirely Catholic) tend to be that my perception of Him/Her is all-encompassing to any human being who strives to do good and to love their fellow human beings. And that He/She knows every heart and connects with them on individual terms. I think we will be ok.

Yet being Catholic feels like an inherent trait in me. Something I don't think I could divorce myself from. But then again, I never thought I could divorce my own flesh and blood, and I've done that. It wasn't as hard as I feared it would be. Would divorcing my faith be as fulfilling? Or will it do the opposite, and create a vacuum of unfulfilled need in my soul?

Where do I go from here?