You can follow my moods by my search history. When I feel insecure they’re things like “what does a good mother do” or “what is a good wife”, inherently self-doubting. When I feel strong, and myself, I search for studies, news stories, data, facts about things that I am curious about; things like “studies on the prevalence of child trafficking in the United States” or “behavior factors vs. circumcision in the prevention of STDs in men”.
In my ongoing obsession with feminism and sometimes the conflicts that it creates/emphasizes in my personal relationships, I Google things that I feel uncertain about. Blurred line things, things regarding my role as a wife. My husband does the majority of the housework, holds a full time job, is an equal partner in our parenting, and is a movie-romantic-relationship idolizer, to squish his rich and complex character into a few general characteristics...I sometimes wash dishes and fold laundry, keep the kids busy while he cooks us lovely dinners, wander aimlessly around the house not being able to focus on what needs to be done, and zone out on mind-numbing computer games and internet sites. Oh, I do also have a job and attend school full-time. I also am notoriously critical of movie romance. Total movie mood-killer, that's me. Yeeeaaah. But back to Google…on Google, I don't usually get positive responses...it brings up blogs written by men against feminism, against feminists, and echoes ideas that I have heard in my own home and community. That in the feminist house, the male is oppressed. It makes me uncomfortable, worried, ashamed, like my inner dialogue should back down and shut up, that I need to suck it up and have that home-cooked dinner ready and be all freshened up and "pretty" to please my husband when he gets home from work. He wouldn't mind that all that much, he DOES work hard. Hence my dilemmas. What person wouldn't want to please the one they love? This is not all so simple, mind you. Generally my husband and I get along great with our personal division of labor. When he needs help with something, he asks, and vice versa. But I get the not-so-subtle hint that he feels he shouldn't have to ask. This has nothing do with gender, methinks. I will blame it on his aquariousness. It is his expectation that I should know him well enough to recognize when he needs help; it is innate to his nature to be recognized. I counter with my (nondiagnosed but very likely) ADD...it is innate to my nature that I have to be told when and how help is needed, in no uncertain terms, what the very specific expectations are as they pertain to that particular instance. And most likely I will forget about it by the next day. This isn't something I do on purpose to vex the people around me, or even something I do to get out of working. I just forget. And like Mommy Wars about who works more or who volunteers or buys the best reading preparation software or breast vs. bottle blah blah blah, how women (or men) define themselves as “wife” (husband) can come under fire from everywhere imaginable. And I find myself wanting to add my own ammunition, especially under the labels I find the most comforting and familiar – feminist, Catholic, mother. I have to remind myself when I google things that I am not married to Patriarchy or any of the people whose opinions I have searched for, I am married to Josh. I am not Feminism, I am not Misandry, I am Beth.
In conclusion, I am myself and that’s it. Wife and mother are my terms, and I will own them.
Love!
Beth
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